Hospital day who-can-even-count-anymore

The last week has been trying.  Really, really trying.  I’m sick of the hospital and sick of being away from my son.  Oh, and also physically sick – as in vomiting for several hours Wednesday night.  And worrying incessantly about the rest of my family who caught the bug and I wasn’t there to care for.  Yea, I had my limit.

I’ve cried and cried and cried.  I told my husband I was done, that I couldn’t do it anymore, that I was coming home.  So, I called in the nurse practitioner and told her through my tears that I needed to go and I couldn’t wait until Sunday for the doctor to check my cervix and make his weekly decision.  I asked to get off my contraction meds and check me sooner.  He agreed to do it today.  I geared myself up for leaving even though I knew it wouldn’t happen.

Since my check on Monday my cervix shortened more, measuring once at 1.1cm and once only in millimeters.  And the big issue, my funneling was much worse.  They rate it in letters, mine being considered a “U”, which is the worse case.  Essentially, the top of my cervix is open and the bag of water is bulging down – like what you see here:

I’m here for the long haul.  I have to face it and I have to figure out how to deal with it and make it through my days without soaking my pillow in tears.  I just don’t know how.  People ask me how they can help or what they can do and I don’t have an answer.  I don’t think there is one.  
One of the social workers that pops into everyone’s room to see how they’re coping (there are several “long term-ers” over here in antepartum) says they are going to hook me up with a friend next week.  Someone else who is stuck here and living the same life as I am.  I’m honestly not sure why they don’t do that from day one but, whatever.  I think that will be nice.
Accepting this and not holding my breath waiting for the next ultrasound to determine my fate is what needs to happen.  So is realizing that this isn’t permanent and when I’m sitting on the back porch in a few years, watching my three and five year old chase each other around the yard, this will feel so distant.  Logically, I get it.  I just have to keep reminding myself over and over again.
Blah.  Hopefully some more upbeat posting can resume shortly.  We’ll see…

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Comments

  1. says

    I am so sorry! I know you know this and I can’t imagine how you must feel but it will be worth it. Doesnt help much right now I’m sure. :( I hope you can connect with a friend in the hospital!

  2. says

    I’d imagine I would be feeling the exact same way as you if I were in your situation..it’s because you are such a good mama & wife that you care so much and are feeling so bad. I hope connecting with another “longterm-er” helps you get thru the days quicker, sending lots of prayers and well wishes to you & your fam ; )You may already be doing this, but is there a way for you to skype or chat with brady throughout the day? I’d imagine seeing him as much as possible would be great for you and him ; )

  3. says

    We haven’t forgotten you. I’m praying for you often. I can’t imagine the stir crazy feelings you’re going through. You’re doing great and your baby girl is going to thank you for this someday. xoxo

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