I’m fifty-one and I’ve been divorced. More than once. I’m not proud of it, but there it is. I’ve written a lot about marriage & divorce over the years. Of course, I can’t write about how to have a happy marriage. That would be like Donald Trump sharing tips on how to create a completely natural looking comb-over. But, tips on how to make sure your marriage ends in divorce? I’m pretty much Oprah.
If you’d like to guarantee you’ll wind up in divorce court, or you know someone who hasn’t yet married and you want to help them ensure their marriage ends in divorce, these 10 simple tips will help. I’ve personally tested each one.
How To Get A Divorce
1. The very first thing one must do to ensure any marriage will end in divorce is to marry the wrong person in the first place. I realize it can be difficult to determine if the person you want to marry is truly the wrong person, but this is an important step and one you cannot overlook. I suggest choosing a man who swears at his Mother or tells you he’s only punched the wall in a jealous rage because you’re so pretty. If he uses the “B word” to describe any female who isn’t rocking 4 legs, he’s perfect for you.
2. Once you’ve found the person you hope to grow to hate, try to marry as quickly as possible and spend as much money as you can in the process. Nothing gets the divorce ball rolling like rushing to the altar…unless it’s going in debt to do it.
3. If you can produce offspring immediately, you are totally on the right track. A small, screaming, smelly human who never leaves is exactly what every newly married couple needs. While this particular tip does not in and of itself always contribute to divorce, add in sleep deprivation & a touch of financial instability to seal the deal. Remember: kids come in super handy later on when it’s time to start sending hateful messages to each other.
4. Spend every second together. Don’t go anywhere without your spouse, don’t have interests the two of you can’t share, and if your partner even thinks of going somewhere without you throw a book at his head. Only people who aren’t planning on getting a divorce need friends during their marriage.
5. When you argue be sure to do it with as much drama as possible. Scream, throw things, spit, whatever it takes. It also helps to bring up things he has done in the past. Now is the time to remind your husband you didn’t appreciate the fact that he got drunk at his bachelor party. Sure, he apologized and sure you said you forgave him but forgiving does not mean forgetting. That’s divorce 101.
6. Men are mind readers. They keep the technology in their testicles so you won’t find it. If your man doesn’t do something you thought he should do, your best course of action is to let your anger simmer at a low boil until finally you explode because he incorrectly chews his macaroni.
7. When the sex shifts from hourly to bi-weekly (or monthly) and nobody is bruised or splinted in the making of it, you should assume you no longer love your partner and they no longer love you. Sex equals love. No sex equals no love.
8. Marriage is always fifty-fifty. To be certain everything is equal, I recommend a score card.
9. Men value pop relationship quizzes. It has something to do with testosterone. If he cannot tell you what you were wearing the first time he ever saw you, or he forgets to buy you flowers on the anniversary of the second time you held hands, he is a bad, bad human man. You should tell him so. See #5.
10. Watch a lot of TV & movies and compare your marriage. See how crazy in love those couples are? Hear all those romantic things those guys say to their wives? If your husband doesn’t draw you a bath strewn with rose petals and tell you how much you complete him, it’s not normal. TV and movies are reality. Just ask the Kardashians.
PS: This list was just for women. I have a special list for men I’ll post soon.
Do you have advice for women to help them wind up divorced? Do tell in the comments below. 🙂
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