I’ve seen my children sad before. I’ve seen them cry over Grandma leaving, not getting what they want, or because they don’t feel well. Yes, certainly I’ve seen them feel sad.
But, I’ve never seen them have heartbreak before, nor did I think I would witness it so early in mommyhood. I guess I’ve always been used to them being young enough to distract them with something like a toy or candy. And the things they’ve experienced have never been of real significance. Yes Grandma leaves, but she always comes back.
But on Wednesday when I had to tell my little boy that our dog had gone to Heaven to be with Jesus, I saw it. I saw my child’s heart break in two.
For some reason I had not considered this reaction. How could I be so stupid? I expected to be hit with a slew of questions, ones I had gone over in my head several times. I knew what my answers would be, how I would explain why this happens and what it means. But for some reason, I never expected him to break down in tears and sob.
He didn’t ask all the questions I was expecting, only one: “He’s killed?” I paused for a moment to think about how I would answer that, because no he wasn’t “killed” in the way that you and I use it, but for him, that was how he defined that he was no longer alive and that he wasn’t returning.
“Well, yes…” I replied.
He yelled and started to cry, burying his head in his hands. “I don’t want him to be killed! I don’t want him to be in Heaven!”
I rubbed his leg and tried to console him with the things we say when death occurs – that he loved him very much and got to spend so much fun time with him, but when dogs get old and very sick like he had been, they go to live with Jesus.
It was irrelevant. He heard none of it. When I would start to speak he would yell no. He heard all he needed to know when I answered his question. And really, that’s all that mattered. Hearing The Death Speech wasn’t going to make it better.
After he stopped crying, he stared off into space for a while and then immediately moved on. He hasn’t mentioned it since.
That moment keeps replaying in my head. Watching my little boy fall to pieces like that hurt. As painful as it was to sit on the floor with my dog while the doctor gave him an injection to stop his heart, this part of the experience was just as agonizing.
We have shed a lot of tears mourning the loss of our sweet Mosley but are confident that we did the most we could do to get him well. Hopefully he is running in the green grass in Heaven with his little sister, free from infection and fever. And hopefully Brady’s heart has healed and that ours will soon.
Liz is a just a mom trying to keep it real about how little she sleeps, how often she gets puked on and how much she loves them. You can find her here every day writing about real-mom moments.
mel@thedizzymom says
Oh my goodness Liz, I’m so sorry. It is a terrible gut wrenching pain, I know. As always, time will help, for now I can imagine it’s a lot of just being together and holding on when the tears fall.
Pamela James says
I was scrolling through your site looking for a saying I saw posted on another blog & for some reason this post caught my eye & I stopped to read. Can’t say it was the best idea I’ve had tonight since I’m now sitting here in tears but. I’m not sure when you posted this. But having raised 4 kids I can understand part of what you felt that day. I’m not sure how old your boy was but it doesn’t seem to matter. 4 or 30 it still hurts to watch their hearts break. when my youngest was 17 we lost her shep to cancer. We got him when she was 2. We always joked we got him so she’d move out of our bed. Even knowing & having been raised around her animals All her life her first words when told were “He’ll be ok I’ll make sure he gets his meds” For a month she denied it, cooked his meals, (poor dog ate cottage cheese & sea weed for her). All we could do was watch & hurt with her. I swear he was just waiting for her to say it was ok. You could see it in his eyes. The day she finally accepted he was hurting & agreed to take him to vet. It still hurts to remember & its been 10yrs. I thought for a moment her dad was going to have to carry her out of the vet’s office. But she had the courage to sit as you said on the floor and comfort him. i’ve never been so proud. She’s a beautiful woman now. She’s kind & gentle & loving. I have no idea where I was going with this. Just wanted to give you a hug. Say not to worry & not to be afraid of getting another family pet. Animals teach so much & give so much love. When I was doing rescue work I realized that some times the best way to help someone that had lost a companion was to help them find a new one. Not to take the place of, but to build another bond. Never be scared to love. Hmmm great now I’m giving advice on a blog I just remembered was on love and marriage. 🙂 I guess I needed to type it in order to stop crying. Hope it makes sense. So anyhow where is the post saying. “The grass isn’t greener on the other side its green where you watered it” LOL
Pamela James says
OH my liz delete that ridiculously long post. I had no idea I had written anything that long. Its late & your story brought back too many memories (not all bad). I am really sorry for your loss & also the rambling