What happened to Conrad Roy III has shaken me to the core. I’ve thought about what it must have been like for him to talk about suicide with your daughter. Rather than hearing all the reasons he was valued and loved, he was encouraged to take his own life.
What must his final hours have been like? I well up with tears thinking about the heartache and fear he endured.
What his parents must be going through, I can’t even bring myself to imagine. The loss of their sweet boy cuts to the heart of who I am as a Mother and a human being. I pray to God that somehow, someday, they will find at least a small measure of healing.
And then there’s you.
I’ve thought about you, too. When something so senseless and ugly happens, we as a society have a need to blame someone. Somehow it gives us a degree of comfort and a feeling of control over what can be a scary world.
In most every case the first person upon whom we look to place blame is the Mother.
I’ll admit that I’ve thought about blaming you, too.
I read that you took your daughter to Disney World while she was awaiting trial. I read that you and she planned for her prom together.
I also read that despite the judge’s order banning Michelle from using social media, you posted pictures on her behalf of the trips she took after Conrad’s suicide and of her happily hanging out with friends.
That’s hard for me to swallow. That’s hard for me to understand. It seems so needlessly cruel to Conrad’s Mom. I wish you hadn’t done that. It’s made it so hard to feel anything other than disdain for you.
Lynn Roy, Conrad’s Mom, when talking about you, said the following in an interview:
“I don’t wish pain, I feel bad for her family too. I’m 44 and it hurts me to hear what people say about my son as I’m sure it hurts her family to hear what they say about her. I want to handle this with as much grace as I can because that’s what my son would want.”
Conrad’s Mom doesn’t know it, but her example of grace has not been lost on at least one Mother.
I realized that if Conrad’s own Mother can express empathy for you, who am I to do anything else? She lost her boy, her sweet boy. And yet she’s still a Mom who recognizes the pain another Mom feels.
Still, I wondered about you.
I’ve had almost a need to know who you are and what your relationship with your daughter was like. And I’ll be honest here – I know it’s because I want to learn from your mistakes – if there were mistakes.
Like any parent, I want to raise my son & daughter to be loving, caring, empathetic adults. I want them to be the kind of people who would rush to help someone in pain rather than create more pain.
In short, I don’t want them to be like Michelle.
We all know now that Conrad was in emotional agony. This tragedy has been a stark reminder that I need to be acutely aware of any mental health issues that could arise in my own children. I cannot be complacent. I must be vigilant.
Understand I’m not saying Conrad’s Mom was anything less. Sometimes the worst can happen no matter what you do, or say, or how much love you have for a person.
The pain Lynn Roy wakes up to and goes to bed every single day makes me even more determined to teach my children, through both my actions and words, that they can come to me with anything.
Whether they feel embarrassed or ashamed. Whether they think I’ll be angry, or they believe they’ve done something so awful that I’ll stop loving them.
They need to know, I have to make certain they know, that I’m strong enough to handle it, and that I’ll love them unconditionally until my last breath.
No matter what. Always. No matter what.
You’ve made that same unspoken contract with Michelle, haven’t you? Of course, you have. Michelle is your child. She’s done something horrible, something she can’t take back, something for which society is holding her accountable.
And still, you’ll love her no matter what. Always. No matter what.
Maybe that’s where you, and Lynn, and myself, and all mothers everywhere, have a thread of connection.
I don’t know your story or anything about the way you parented Michelle. I don’t know what’s going on inside your head during all this. I don’t know what you’ve said to your daughter in private, or why you took her to Disney World or approved of her going to prom. I can’t know and I’m sure I’ll never know.
But what I can understand with every cell in my body is the thing that makes us more alike than different: that you love her unconditionally. That you will always be there for her. Always. No matter what. And that I can understand.
If you suspect that your son or daughter is struggling with depression or possibly having suicidal thoughts, please get them to a mental health professional near you or call the Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255. To learn more about recognizing depression and anxiety kids, please click here to visit the Anxiety & Depression Association of America.
Liz is a just a mom trying to keep it real about how little she sleeps, how often she gets puked on and how much she loves them. You can find her here every day writing about real-mom moments.
April says
I think the Disney trip, and planning of prom is going on because mom know she will be convicted and prob sentence and just wants to make good memories before she’s gone to prison:(
Kate says
Could be
Andrea says
I find it disturbing that you, as a mother, chose this topic to write about. You have added nothing concrete to this conversation. It is horrible that a young man felt he needed to end his life and his girlfriend pushed him to do it so that she could get attention. It is also horrible that you decided to capitalize on it.
Heather says
She is writing about our shared love for our children and maybe even more importantly grace!! I don’t understand when I was growing up I was taught if you have nothing nice to say, do at say anything! How is she capitalizing on this? And if this was such a horrible thing to write on are we not as guilty the ones who read it?
Heather says
Don’t is what I meant!
JMD says
Andrea-
Obviously, you know nothing about blogging or writing. Writers write what they feel at that moment and as a writer myself, I googled and found this blog. I wanted to learn about this disturbed girls mother. We often forget the families of the accused. I think the mother made horrible choices and I believe her daughter is very disturbed. However, this blogger wrote a “from the heart honest post” and for you to even judge her for a second, I am in great hopes you’re not a mother. Just my opinion. And as far as capitalizing. If I had to guess, she probably makes a few hundred dollars a month after the expenses of the hosting/server of the blog are paid. I am assuming she writes because she loves to write. To the blogger, thank you for the post. You verbalized my thoughts exactly.
VoiceofReason says
Thanks for this blog, I thought “I wonder what kind of Mother would raise a daughter to be such a malignant, narcissistic sociopath…Whose own needs overcame another’s sense of self-preservation”
I keep thinking of the command, “Get back in the f***ing car!” And my stomach churns.
This girl was driving around in a Lexus SUV when the police followed her home. She sounded completely surprised and offended that they had a search warrant and were confiscating her phone.
She knew she was doomed when she texted the friend that she knew she’d go to jail when the police looked through Conrad’s things.
She’s guilty with a capital, scarlet letter G and a waste of hers and her (however misguided) Mother’s life of being a parent. I am glad they upheld the conviction and sad it won’t be a longer sentence. Maybe she will be smart for once, and do us all the favor of wiping herself off the face of the planet, so we won’t ever have to worry about seeing her show up in 15 years, working as a Crisis Prevention Therapist or something worse!
VoiceofReason says
Andrea …Is obviously a very small-minded person, and May herself be mentally-unfit for society. Bullies are everywhere, and there will always be anonymous responders like Andrea lurking in the shadows of someone’s heartfelt blog.
Keep right on blogging, Liz!
I support you.
Brian says
Wow! This comment is a perfect description of itself.
Isn’t irony fun?
Christina Dale says
Wow! Thank you for being able to put those thoughts to paper! Many will think you’re too kind, but you trying to understand it from a Mom’s perspectives is enlightening finding a tiny spark of positive light in a really dark place.
Sad mom says
If you had a daughter who was mentally ill you might understand a little better. It was stated several times the daughter had a mental illness….it doesn’t keep you from being a mom and loving your child. My daughter has a similar illness…she is just broken….she was born with a cyst on a good portion of brain…not my.fault…not hers …just life…..it doesn’t make what she did right…just know…when you have a daughter who is sick…it doesn’t make you love them any less than one who is not..my heart is sad for the parent
VoiceofReason says
Having an eating disorder is a mental illness rooted in vanity and narcissism, not truly a “mental disorder” as you are describing, such as a cyst on a the brain. This girl can walk and talk just fine. If you watch her walking into the courthouse every time, she walks as if she’s going in there to kick someone’s a**.
I think she’ll get plenty of help for her “eating disorder” having to eat institutionalized food for a period of time. And she won’t be getting a tan, or blonde highlights, either…
Susan says
Voice of reason : please educate yourself about mental illness before commenting on it.Thank you!
MM says
You know nothing about eating disorders. Vanity and narcissism!?!?! You are coming off as an uneducated ass. Educate yourself before you post idiotic things.
Compassionate American says
I would like to blog about this unfortunate situation as well. Freedom of speech right!
I sincerely hope this mentally ill adult is able to receive helpful advice in prison from a loving inmate regarding her mental illness. Certain advice such as to “google” how to hang yourself in jail using your bed sheets. She does not want to go on living with her mental illness and I hope her inmate friend encourages her to do the right thing. We know she has lived a long time with such a difficult life and tremendous pain. Her loving inmate friend will need to advise her in ending her pain. I know they do not allow cell phones in prison so I hope her inmate friend is able to be in close proximity of her cell so that she can talk to her 24 hours a day with compassionate thoughts and advice. So when that moment of decision comes her friend is right there to guide her. That’s what good friends do these days.
I am very concerned for the mother of Michelle’s future inmates friend and hope you have the courage to post this for her.
Susan says
You may like to inform yourself further by a suggested reading by Dr. Peter Breggin, “Mad in America”. Michelle carter. ” did she text her boyfriend to death? I think you will be enlightened by it.
Brian says
Yes…Very compassionate…Very American…
(sarcasm)
Brian says
If any of your children should ever do something horrible or maybe even unforgivable, I certainly hope that you will remember how ready you all were to blame someone else for their childs actions.
There are only victims in this tragic story. The parents have all been through an unimaginable hell. The two teens were clearly emotionally unstable.Whether it was Michelle’s eating disorder, or social isolation, Conrad’s social anxiety disorder, or the domestic abuse he suffered at home. Maybe they were over medicated, maybe they were under medicated. Maybe they were just teen-agers going through adolescent, and should’nt have been on Prozac to begin with. I don’t know. What I do know is that a young man, who tried to take his own life several times, was eventually successful.
Anyone looking to assign blame for this tragedy should probably start by looking in the mirror.