As a card-carrying member of the Mom club I know a little something about parenting trade secrets. Yes, there are perfect Moms (somewhere I suppose) who are upfront and honest about every thing they do when it comes to their kids. Me?
Well, let’s just say I hold a few cards close to my chest and I’m not one bit ashamed. (So all you Mommy shamers can move along now. Nothing to see here.)
10 Shocking Mom Secrets Most Won’t Admit
1. She secretly loves it when one of the kids gets a little bit sick. Not super sick, like vomiting or something (God forbid) truly serious.
No, I’m talking about maybe a little cold or a low grade temp – just enough so that said kid wants nothing more than to snuggle with Momma. You know the feeling… your preschooler wants to sit in your lap for hours at a time, or your elementary school kid wants you to run your fingers through their hair. Things that they normally would have no part of, but every Momma misses so very much.
2. There are cookies and/or candy hidden somewhere only she knows. Maybe there are Oreos in your sock drawer. Maybe you hid your peanut M&Ms behind the broccoli because you know with absolute certainty no one is going to look there.
PS: Right now there is a Snickers bar taped to the back of a Crisco can on the top shelf in my kitchen. Don’t judge.
3. She’s probably not actually using the toilet when she says she is. Chances are very good she’s just sitting in there, checking her phone and praying she gets just 5 little minutes before one or more of her children start banging on the door to let her know the other child said they are a stupid head.
4. Yoga class is a big, fat lie. Sure, some Moms are equipped with the energy and willpower to actually do yoga. (God love ’em, but I am not one of them.)
The rest of us get all dressed up in our yoga gear, head out the door and go to Starbucks while someone else watches the children. The key is to come back home mumbling something about how sweaty and tired you are, take a shower and go straight to bed.
Expert tip: if ever questioned about what a downward facing dog is, roll your eyes like that’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever been asked, laugh in a condescending way and walk away as quickly as you can.
5. We know kids’ eyes won’t stick that way. We just think it’s super gross when they cross their eyes so we’ve made a collective decision across the nation to lie to our kids.
6. “You can’t have cereal for supper,” is a secret code. It really means “I want you to beg me to have cereal for supper so that I don’t have to cook.” It’s called psychology. Or manipulation. Whatever.
7. “You can only have 30 more minutes on electronics,” is another of our advanced mind games. When kids hear that they should reasonably expect at least 45 minutes to an hour. We’re exhausted so if using PBS Kids as a babysitter is wrong, we don’t want to be right.
8. Dads never threaten anything. Every time a Mom says, “because your Dad said so,” it’s because we’re sick of being the bad guy. We’re totally fine with using him as a scapegoat. What’s he going to do about it anyway? Send us to our room without supper? Bring it on, baby.
9. We believe Elf on the Shelf is the best thing ever. Yes, it’s creepy. Yes, having to move that blessed thing all over the house is annoying as all get out. But how often can we point to a doll wearing weird shoes and tell our kids that little dude has a direct line to Santa and isn’t afraid to use it?
“Yeah you’d BETTER say sorry to your sister. That Elf on the Shelf is eyeballing you RIGHT NOW.” In other news, we long for the day there is a thing on the shelf for every month of the year.
10. We Moms have a secret love language. No one but other Moms can decipher it, but our love letters are all over our children’s worlds every single day.
They are in every PB&J with the crust cut off because that’s the way they like it. You’ll find them every time we push them on the swing until we think we don’t have another push left, but do it again anyway.
They can be found in the tiptoes we make every night into their rooms where we our hearts swell at how wonderful they are and whisper that tomorrow we’ll try to do a better job that we did today.
What about you, Mom? Are there special secrets you keep from your kiddos? We’d love to hear!
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