I’ve wanted to talk about this for a long while and I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t make my fingers or my brain do the work and didn’t want to admit to everyone that I had failed. But… I’m formula feeding Paityn. (With a little side of nursing a few times a day.) I hate it and I wish it were different but it’s not.
She started on formula right off the bat, something I didn’t plan on, but her blood sugar was low and as a tiny, early baby she needed to eat. I was fine with it and a little formula was the last thing on my list of worries when having a baby 4-5 weeks early. I started to nurse her and pump in between and soon the milk started flowing. So did the spit up.
I was creating my milk stash and patting myself on the back for all the future bottles I was making. Then it started to become obvious that something was not settling with her and I thought we were headed down the milk protein allergy road like we had with Brady. We made our way through the list of possibilities and finally settled on lactose intolerance. Preemie babies have a temporary intolerance many times because they don’t produce the enzyme that breaks it down.
That meant the only way to get breast milk was through a bottle with lacTASE (not lacTOSE) added. That requires pre-pumping the milk, warming, then letting the drops sit in the milk for 30 minutes. And it’s not so easy to guess half an hour out when your baby will want to eat. The timing was awful and pumping was awful. Within a few days my milk was starting to dry and the ratio between breast milk bottles and formula bottles was starting to pull in the other direction.
I’ve beat myself up about this until I can’t go any further. And the funny thing is, that I would never want anyone else to feel that way. I would tell them it’s ok, that they tried, and that their babies are plenty healthy without it.
Brady was on my boob constantly, I never felt like I had enough to give, he was always unhappy and… hungry? I would not let him have formula for any reason and in hindsight I recognize that my poor babe was starving. Starving because I wouldn’t give in and fill his belly. At four months I let go and began to lightly supplement and looking back at photos you can tell.
I feel embarrassed that I don’t breastfeed Paityn. I feel like I’m doing something wrong and that I’m doing her a complete disservice. I’ve vented to her pediatrician that I’m worried she won’t be smart and I’m worried she will be overweight. She assures me she will not be.
It’s good to advocate for breast feeding, it truly is wonderful for baby, but all the pushing and statistic preaching also makes the ones of us that can’t, feel terrible. Like a bad mother and we’re not. You are not.
I’m learning to let go and spend the time that I can nurse Paityn being happy that I’m still able to do it here and there. I’ll keep nursing her on lunch breaks and in the middle of the night until I’ve run completely dry. And whenever that time comes I will try my best to be proud of my healthy, chunky girl and give myself a high-five.
Sher Bailey is a writer in the Midwest who believes the power of humor, Mod Podge, and grandkids can fix most problems in life. You can find her at SherBailey.com.
Mommy McD says
It’s sad that we’ve created an environment where mothers aren’t just applauded for the simple fact that they are indeed feeding their babies. You’re feeding her. That makes her happy. Therefore, you are doing the exact perfect thing for her. Rest easy, mama.
Sandi says
I know how you feel. I struggled to breastfeed Madison for her first three months. I went to lactation consultants & got a prescription to help increase my production. I know I did everything to try to keep her breast fed but when I gave up I felt awful. I had her pedi, my family, my friends & even a lactation consultant telling me it was okay but it didn’t seem ok until I saw Madison doing better.
Lindsey says
Hugs momma! You did the best that you could and that is all that matters. My biggest fear when I quit BF Connor was that the bond we shared nursing would go away. However, you can still stare into their eyes, dream about their future, and still make that connection, whether it be a boob or a bottle in their mouth. I always complained Connor never held his own bottle. However, I was thrilled to be able to sit in the rocker with him at every bottle and feed him. Bravo mama, you are making perfect decisions for your baby!
bobbers119 says
I did not breastfeed either one of my children and they are perfectly fine and HEALTHY! Graycie is very smart and doing GREAT in school and both are no where close to overweight!!!!! Dont stress over it! She will be just fine!
Katie says
Thank you for this post! I breastfed my little boy for 6 weeks, and he screamed almost all afternoon every single day. We thought he was colicky. The first day we tried formula, he stopped crying. He sucked that bottle down so fast, and it was then I realized I’d been starving my child. I felt so guilty and cried and cried about giving up nursing, but my mom told me I had to do the best for my child- and that was give him formula! He was happy- he is now 9 months old and over 22lbs, and is developing wonderfully! I had so many friends who are breastfeeding fanatics and judged me…but that’s okay! We just have to do what we have to do for our babies!!!
Jessi says
It’s because the way that other women make formula feeding moms feels is why you feel that way. It’s sad that you have to feel ashamed that you are not breastfeeding 100%. My first baby had jaundice and at 5 days old I gave her a bottle because she wouldn’t latch and that was the end of our BF relationship. She never latched again. And she is actually SUPER tiny. Formula doesn’t mean obesity. My second baby, I breastfed for 2 years. Of course #3 was 18 months when she came to me but #4 was 2 months when she came to me and she had to be formula fed. I come from both sides of this and I can tell you that all that really matters is that you love and feed your baby. You ARE a wonderful mother. Your love for your baby is not based on whether or not you can breastfeed. You are not measured by that. Pat yourself on the back and let it go mama. You are doing wonderful!
Sherri Bailey says
She is healthy and happy – she is that way because of the way you love her. That’s what matters. You’re such a good Mom.
Baby Mama says
I love this post! We all do the best we can- in every aspect of raising our children.
Ashley Bailey says
I’m visiting from the Friday”s Letters link up =) I started reading some of your posts. I already love your blog and I’m now following. I’m so glad I read this post. When I had my son 6 years ago breastfeeding didn’t work out for us. I desperately wanted to succeed at it but even with help, he was hungry I was frustrated and it all fell apart. It took me a long time to realize that I wasn’t a “bad mom” I was still feeding him, bonding with him, and he was growing. That’s what was important. We are trying to have another baby and I know I’ll try breastfeeding again and if for some reason it doesn’t work out I won’t beat myself up about it like I did last time.
Susan Finley says
It’s ok!!! I think it’s entirely on mom choice on what she wants to do not be pressured by anyone. I myself did great breastfeeding no problem with first and third babies. But my second was not ok. It hurt ALL THE TIME. I literally had blood in my milk, she was still colicky, I had produced more than enough yet she was sickly baby, and many other issues. I was on W.I.C. program and they didn’t understand or help me. Sugar coat it that it was ok and the best thing to do. Just because that mom had a great experience doesn’t mean we all do. I was in tears breastfeeding fm the pain and lack of help. I felt pressured. Than I just went with my gut. Call me selfish wimp but I am done being in pain after 3 months. There was no right postion or correct latch. There was no pumping. She was still a sickly baby on formula and I felt guilty all the way up to next baby years later. But I realized I have a right to my body. It was telling me No for whatever reason. I tried and thats ok. All my babies turned out just fine all these years later. I have a scar from my second literally from breastfeeding but I dont mind it at all. It is my body.