Yesterday I read yet another parenting article written by a Mom who is teaching her kids to be polite using a printable she found on Pinterest, some clothespins, a handful of macaroni noodles and some other thing perfect Moms have at the ready, like organic dragon tears or Elmer’s Glue.
Me? I’m out here in the jungle of parenting having shameful secret thoughts about what I’d say to my kids if I was actually being honest. Someday maybe I’ll write a post about the pure joy that is wiping away snot, refereeing extreme toddler wrestling, and the excitement of pooping while surrounded by an audience of small humans. Today is not that day.
10 Things I’d Say to My Kids If I Was Actually Being Honest
- Sorry kiddo. I’m eating the last cookie. I know good Moms are known for sacrificing, but sometimes what I don’t want to sacrifice is the last Oreo.
- Why can’t you be more like a cat? I’ll happily clean up your poop if you’ll agree to go play with a string for 4 hours.
- Your Dad’s name is also on your birth certificate so go ask him to get you a snack. Just be sure it’s not the last Oreo.
- Stay awake all night if you want. Better get yourself a magazine and a cup of coffee though because I’m going to bed.
- You’re right to be afraid of monsters. They’re not under your bed or in your closet. They’re running for the office of President of the United States.
- I would rather stick a fork in my right ovary than push you on the swing. They should have a swing monitor at every playground who refuses to let you near it until you prove you can do it yourself.
- I might make you wear sweatpants until you’re thirteen. The tedium of buttoning and unbuttoning of normal pants is rivaled only by the interminable tying and untying of shoes.
- You’re the worst comedian ever. If I have to fake laugh at one more made up knock-knock joke about a teddy bear and a poop-doodie-face, I might jump out a window.
- Sometimes I try and hide from you. I don’t really have to pee. I’m actually face down on the germ covered bathroom floor begging the parenting gods to give me enough strength to make it to bedtime.
- Angry Birds is the best babysitter since Mary Freakin’ Poppins. I know good parents don’t let their kids play electronics more than a few minutes at a time. This is me taking my hat out of the ring for any and all good parenting awards.
What about you? What would you say to your kid if you were really being honest? Where my imperfect Moms?
Sher Bailey is a writer in the Midwest who believes the power of humor, Mod Podge, and grandkids can fix most problems in life. You can find her at SherBailey.com.
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