When I was a kid my parents were in the trenches, just doing the best they could. I get it. But, the truth is they said some crazy shiz. If I could go back in time, knowing what I know now, I’d show them just how nuts these 15 things really are.
In lieu of time travel, I can at least promise myself I will flat out refuse to say to my kids the things my parents said to me.
15 Things My Parents Said That I Refuse to Say to My Kids
This will hurt me more than it hurts you. So you’re going to cry snot bubbles because you just took away my favorite Barbie doll? I had no idea the depth of your empathy. This changes everything.
I can take you out and make another one just like you. Let’s call it what it is, people. It would be more accurate to say, “I’m going to murder you and all things being equal, I can make another one genetically similar to you.”
You’d better wipe that look off your face. Why are parents so obsessed with facial expressions? If some frightening overlord followed me around as an adult telling me I could only have a pleasant look on my face or else, I would pretty much be in trouble 23 hours out of the day. Especially when I’m at Walmart.
Don’t lick the icicles on the house. You’ll die. They look like delicious popsicles. It would be insane to not put them in my mouth.
Don’t touch my African Violets. You’ll die. Okay. I’m seeing a pattern here. Anything my parents didn’t want me to do would apparently result in immediate death.
If you stick your hand out the car window, it’ll fly off. I eventually noticed the distinct absence of child-sized hands hitting our car’s windshield, put two and two together, and branded my parents a team of liars, liars, pants on fire.
Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about. Crying is illegal? Who are you anyway… Burgermeister Meisterburger? I guess toys and smiles will be the next thing you outlaw. And, what exactly are you going to give me to cry about? “Sorry little daughter, Donald Trump really IS the President of the United States.”
Children should be seen and not heard. “I wish you were Helen Keller.”
If you don’t stop it, I’ll turn this car around and we won’t go. We all know we’re going. Don’t embarrass yourself.
There are starving children in China who would be thrilled to have those lima beans. Then we’d better get the packing tape and some stamps, because these lima beans are not going in my pie hole.
If you keep making that face it’ll freeze that way. If this were true my adult face would look like that time when I was 7 and my Mom made me eat lima beans.
Never talk back to an adult. Awesome. You’ve just created a child who gets in a stranger’s van.
If you want to act like a baby, I’ll treat you like one. Oh, someone is going to feed me, bathe me and take care of my every need? Where do I sign?
Because I said so, that’s why. Do me a favor, oh powerful one. Say something about me getting that sweet toy I’ve had my eye on.
When you have kids I hope they’re just like you. Me, too.
What about you? What kinds of crazy things did your parents say to you?
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I quit my job and doubled my income with this blog. It’s been a year now and I’m ready to help you do the same. Want to hear how I did it? Hear my journey or click here to start your own blog today.
Liz is a just a mom trying to keep it real about how little she sleeps, how often she gets puked on and how much she loves them. You can find her here every day writing about real-mom moments.
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