As a hard-core fan of The Walking Dead I’m always looking for ways to protect myself in the event of a zombie apocalypse, you know, like you do. After watching one too many episodes of The Walking Dead and Fear the Walking Dead, I’ve started to see zombies everywhere.
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Maybe my non-stop watching is to blame, but lately my eyes have been opened to the realization that walkers and preschoolers are more alike than they are different. We should all probably spend more time protecting ourselves from the walking preschoolers than zombies.
10 Ways Preschoolers Are Scarier Than The Walking Dead
You can’t understand what they’re saying, but you know what they want. The walking dead want your brain. Preschoolers already have your brain. They want juice in the red cup with the faded picture of a dinosaur on it. Not the red one, dammit. Never the red one.
They smell bad. Walkers smell like death warmed over, in part because they are rotting from the inside out and in part because it’s hard to give the walking dead a nice bubble bath. Preschoolers know that smelly dirt is the only thing holding their bodies together and that a bath threatens to ruin the structural integrity of the whole thing.
Locked doors can’t keep them out. Oh, you need to go to the bathroom? By yourself? Woman, you are crazy. The only creature more adept than a zombie at getting to you through a locked door is a preschooler who inexplicably needs to see your face when you answer the burning question, “why don’t chickens bark?”
Sleep? They don’t need no stinking sleep. Zombies have no need for sleep. Judging by how many times you were awakened just last night, it would appear your preschooler doesn’t need any either.
Nothing on planet Earth is more contagious. The walking dead infect you with their bite. Preschoolers infect you with snot, coughs, and ridiculously poor hand-washing technique. You have to be up close and personal to bite someone, but a 4 year old’s snot will fly across the room, bounce off the TV, go right through a Winnie the Pooh book and land squarely in a Mother’s mouth every time.
They are attracted to sound. No matter how low you turn the volume when you’re watching The Blacklist after your kid is in bed they will hear it, run toward it and gnaw on your last nerve until you finally succumb to their inevitable power over you and give in to what it is they want.
They have an insatiable hunger. Biters consider human flesh a delicacy and no matter how much they eat, they’re still hungry. I once saw a preschooler eat an entire meal, followed by 45 Goldfish crackers, 1 cup of grapes and 2 slices of cheese…and then demand a bowl full of ice cream with sprinkles on top. Or else.
You can hear them from a great distance. The growl of one walker is incredibly loud and strikes fear in the heart of the living. Meanwhile if a single kid in Target lets go with an ear-piercing scream because his Mom says no to holding his mouth beneath the slushy machine while she pushes the lever, every Mom in the place instantly feels sick to her stomach and wants to run for the exit.
Nothing is too high to reach when there are two or more of them. While one of them alone can’t climb a fence or to the top cabinet where you keep your “hidden” stash of 3 Musketeers
bars, they know how to stack themselves up so that everything is in reach if they want it badly enough.
A large number of them in one place is terrifying. Which is worse? A herd of brain-eating zombies or 7 preschoolers fighting over a headless Barbie? At least zombies seem to instinctively understand that a broken Barbie doll isn’t filled with magical powers and an endless supply of cotton candy.
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Sher Bailey has been a dedicated voice for the Love and Marriage blog for over a decade, sharing practical advice on everything from stretching a grocery budget to finding the best homeschooling resources. She writes from the unique perspective of a full-time traveler, living and working on the road in her motorhome alongside her husband and their two cats. Sher’s diverse body of work is fueled by her belief that with the right tools and a little creativity, any challenge can be turned into an opportunity for growth and adventure.
Lori says
Reading this article gave me my 1st chuckle in days….i needed it.
Thank you