Whew. Ok. Deep Breaths.
My tiny, preemie baby that I swear just learned to say mama and sit up straight, is starting kindergarten in four days.
Yesterday, we met your teacher. It was a quick introduction – you said hello and she said she was excited to have you and the weight of that minute long conversation made my eyes water. How did we get here so quickly, little boy?
I’ve kept you as close to my side as possible over these last six years, squeezing in every moment that I can with you while you’re young. I’ve worked from home as much I could and kept you home an extra year with me. But I still feel like I’m not ready to let you go… and I know that I’m not, that I’ll still be with you every single day, but it will be in much smaller quantities.
I’m genuinely going to miss you.
And of course, I’m worried, too.
What if you are scared? What if you are overwhelmed? What if someone is mean to you? Or you don’t make it to the bathroom in time and you’re embarrassed? Or you’re hungry by one in the afternoon? What if you fall at the playground and you want your mom but I’m not there?
All of this is weighing on my mama heart and it’s pulling so hard that I’m biting the inside of my cheek several times a day to keep from crying.
And I’m having conversations with myself about how deep I’m going to have to dig on your first day to keep from losing it right in front of you and every other parent at drop off. I’ll try my very best to wait to cry until I’m in the car.
I feel sad in a way that is nothing but selfish because I want to hold you close to me as long as possible. Kindergarten reflects you growing up in a monumental way. Yes, I’ve known you are no longer a baby for quite a while, but this transition to school screams GROWING UP.
But in spite of that, I’m also incredibly happy and excited to watch you grow and so very thankful that I get to. It’s going to be a hard transition for me (I’m sure you will breeze right through it) but I’m very aware of how lucky I am to be a part of it.
That’s the tricky thing about this parenting gig: we want you to stay tiny forever but grow and learn and become at the same time. So I’ll walk the line between excitement and sadness on Tuesday just like I did on your first birthday and the day you learned to walk.
We’ll get through it and tomorrow, I’ll be writing about you graduating high school. Because that is how fast the time is passing.
I love you so very much.