Dear Husband,
The biggest problem almost every man has in his marriage is sex.
You’re not the only one, I can assure you. I’m sure your friends complain about it from time to time as well.
I’d like to tell you, in case this hadn’t occurred to you yet, how you might be able to get it a little more.
This study says: “when male partners reported making a fair contribution to housework, the couple experienced more frequent sexual encounters.”
First of all, let me paint a picture for you. You actually live here and witness this everyday but since I don’t think you get it I’m going to spell it out.
Here is what the hours leading up to bedtime, “the magic time“, look like for me:
First there’s dinner: the lovely time of day where I’m coercing children to eat their food like a damn hostage negotiator. I’m filling and refilling cups of juice and being yelled at about which cup I’ve chosen. They need more, they need extra, they need sauce, they need a spoon instead of a fork, they need a napkin, they need, need, need.
After that I’ve got to bathe them and wash the food they’ve smeared in their hair out. They don’t want a shower, they will only take a bath. They hate getting their hair washed. One wants bubbles. One hates bubbles. They need the water warmer, now cooler, they need the towel, they need that one fish toy that swims, no not that one, no not that one either, yeah that one. They need, need, need.
It’s finally time for bed, the hardest part of all but they’re “not tired yet”. They’re scared. They’re suddenly starving and completely parched. They need a snack and a sip of water. They need an extra blanket and the pink pig stuffed animal: the one grandma got them from the zoo last summer, remember it? They need an extra kiss an extra hug and a nightlight. They need, need, need.
Once I’ve finally escaped from their bedroom and sit down someone yells, “Mom!!” I am up again to address the issue of the missing princess blanket and two minutes later up again to address the quality of the nightlight I’ve provided. It’s not bright enough.
Some nights by the time it’s over I am literally out of breath.
By now you think I’m on a rambling tangent, I know, but I’m getting to the point. I’m getting to the sex part, hang on.
All night I have been needed. I’ve been ran ragged by our sweet children I love so much. The evening routines have worn me out, caused stress and raised my blood pressure a time or two. We haven’t even talked about what the beginning half of the day looked like.
I’m settling down and finally taking a deep breath and sitting in the silence for a minute.
And now you need me.
Someone else needs me and all I want to do is sit. All my body wants is to sleep.
I don’t know if I have any energy left for a roll in the sheets.
I’m assuming by now that you have probably come to a conclusion about my advice for getting more sex. If you haven’t, I’ll make it abundantly clear:
Help.
Fill and refill the sippy cups. Run a bath. Wash hair. Get snacks. Read a story. Tuck them in. Go to them when they yell for me.
Make the hours leading up to the time you want sex less stressful for me. Make it so that by the time it’s 10:00PM and we have the first minute alone together that I’m not so frustrated I can’t stand for someone to touch me.
If you want me to happily snuggle up to you and get it on, I can’t be in a state of complete overstimulation. I just can’t.
I love you and I hope this helps. You have more power than you realize.
-Wife
Are you in a place of discontent and feeling like you’ve fallen out of love with your spouse?
I want to show you that thing you thought you lost is not gone at all, you just need to dust it off.
This challenge (in the form of an ebook) has simple but powerful daily tasks that will take you back to a place full of love and happiness. It requires work that won’t feel like work at all.
Liz is a just a mom trying to keep it real about how little she sleeps, how often she gets puked on and how much she loves them. You can find her here every day writing about real-mom moments.
Well I completely understand all of that and they are great points but what advice can you offer for the man that does help…who always baths the kids every night, that does dishes and helps with the children’s homework and so on? Or how about the man who stays at home with the kids all day? And does all of the things mentioned and still doesn’t get any? This article seems like it is only targeted for the stay at home mom and the working father that comes home after a long day of work and is too tired to help out with the kids and only wants a home cooked meal and some sexual attention to go with it? I’m not criticizing this article I would just like to get some advice for the father who works all day comes home and helps with everything mentioned in the article and still has to always be the one that initiates or talks about it in order to maybe get lucky that night? love to Know what you can offer to a man like that a man like myself
I would say give her compliments, come up behind her to just give her a hug or kiss. Maybe bring home her favorite flowers or dessert.
If the weekend try to find a babysitter four the night and have a date night. Doesn’t have to be anything expensive. Hell you could set it up at home. Make dinner & watch the movie she wants to see but never got a chance or something like that. Just an idea.
My advice is to have you and your wife watch Jimmy Evans’ videos on YouTube. He has one titled “What a Man Needs” and another titled “What a Woman Needs”. Jimmy is amazing at describing the needs of both sexes in a clear, funny way with a faith-based view that is amazing. If we would’ve watched these years ago, my husband and I would’ve had a much stronger marriage and better communication skills.
Id like to download the challenge ebook but the link under the article is not working. Can you help please?
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This sounds like a problem besides sex. Both people are resenting each other for no help with the kids, and then no sex. Maybe breaking the vicious cycle would help, but what would I know? All in all, this article seems nonsensical, bitter, and more of a rant than anything.
Very insightful article, thanks for sharing. I will try to remember those points.
This all sounds fine and good. But I can promise you that I do my fair share of helping and still don’t get “it” enough. My wife and I both work. My day starts at 5:30. I get up and get ready for work. Then I fix my lunch and my daughter’s lunch. Then I get my daughter up and get her breakfast. All the while my wife is still in the bed. I leave the house for work at 6:30. My wife usually gets up after that or sometimes a little before. I get off work at 3:30. Then I get my daughter out of school, then starts the homework for the next 2 hours, which I take care of helping with as well. My wife is usually home by 5:30. A lot of times I start supper before she gets home but sometimes she does it when she gets home. Then I take my shower and settle down for the evening. My daughter goes to bed by 8:30. My wife is in her chair on her ph Be doOmg Facebook, Pinterest, Instagram, or Snapchat we usually go to bed about 10 and “it” usually doesn’t happen. She usually tells me an hour before bed that it probably ain’t gonna happen. I don’t think I ask for it a lot. It’s told her I’d be ok with once on the weekend and maybe once during the week. So after hearing this, what is your advice for me?
Sincerely,
Sexually Deprived
Amen brother. It’s my alarm that goes off at 5:20am. I’m the one waking our daughter & taking her to early morning bible study at 5:45. My wife starts work….let me rephrase that, is supposed to start work at 7:00, but VERY rarely makes it there on time. Then I take our daughter to school & go to work. My in-laws or our friends take care of our daughter after school. We both usually get home between 4 & 6 depending on the wonderful Southern California traffic. She rarely cooks so either I’ll cook or we go out (which we do way too often). She rarely does dishes or laundry. I will give her credit though, she does handle our finances by her self. I’m lucky if I get anything once every other month. The planets, moons & stars have to be in alignment if it’s anymore than that. Even when we were trying to get pregnant with our one child, she would only give it up once while ovulating & then wonder why nothing happened or why it took us 9 years to get pregnant.
That shit doesn’t work. You just end up being her bitch and still have to jerk off.
Fully appreciating how draining it is to be a mom and that husbands can relieve some burdens to make it more tolerable for her to be touched, my experience tells me that my sincere help has not reached to a certain level of satisfaction where her heart and body finally opens up.
Losing game I bitterly confess it has been.
And so here’s the flip side of that. I work an extremely physical job. No less than 9 hours a day. The struggle is real, I get it. BUT, it’s real for the man too! Why is it that it’s always us that wants to have sex? Why can’t YOU want to have sex as well? Reason I ask this is because I am a VERY active dad. Before I take my boots off I’m cutting veggies and helping with dinner. Followed by setting the table and plateing food, filling cups, and all the same the author wrote she did. I give baths while my wife is prepping healthy lunches for us as we are health conscious. So trust me when I say that by the time I get to bed I’m not feeling at the top of my game either. So I guess my question is that how can I be so in to being intimate with my wife, Who I love and adore and would give my last breath for, and she wants nothing to do with me. Even though we’ve put in the same work? Someone please explain this to me. Becuase honestly, I just think she’s really not that in to me anymore…..
The artical dumps one woman’s perspective, it does apply to other women, but not all relationships. I believe that women shift their emotional resources to their roles, like a mom for example. By contrast, men compartmentalize their emotions. There are also hormonal changes for both men and women that shift our sex drives. Counseling helps, but both parties need to be committed. I know it is difficult as we all hang on to emotional bagage that gets in the way. Perhaps there was some event that created a “wedge” between the couple. Start with small steps to rebuild your relationship like date night or coffee to create emotional intimacy. I hope this helps.
She forgot number 9. They are selfish. This applies to both problems. Men and woman. We are both selfish in different ways. How do you fix selfishness? Hopefully you pick well in the 1st place. Other than that, I think it is wrong for wives to reject good husbands.
I think a good advice is to rebuild emotional intimacy.
The problem might ne that she wasn’t sexually satisfied when it did happened and if she didn’t like it, why would she want to do it again?
I thought it was going to be helpful advice. I took all the responsibilities of caring for the family and still no intimacy. The only time, was after I said I want a divorce. But for me being the bread winner and care giver, giving her half my salary with the responsibility of our children and finding and restarting an new household was not an option. My opinion, is that if you truly love, care, and respect your spouse, intimacy should not be seen as another person needing something from you. It always made me feel my safest, completeness, and relaxed. Time for reevaluation!
I understand both sides however i am a wife and stay at home mom of 3 kids(4 year old, 2year old, and 5 month old) my hubby doesn’t help, i literally have to scream at him for him to help but when he want sex man he the nicest person in the world to me. Not to mention he have a short temper so anything the kids do he is yelling at them or me. Then by bedtime he forgets that he yelled and been very disrespectful and he still wants sex. So when i reject him I’m this “old woman who is boring and blah blah” but he never remembers what he did to get me this way. In the beginning i loved the sex. Even after our first kid. But over time he became this sex addict and i felt pressured. After my grandma died he wasn’t supportive but that night she died he tried to have sex with me.from that day forward i look at him differently. All i want for him is to take my feelings into consideration and help out and i wouldn’t mind having sex with him. But his outbursts whe he don’t get it pushes me away. Like damn control yourself. Then i give him sex and he still complains so i just gave up. Sometimes when you ask for it after we deal with yelling kids all day it’s annoying. Don’t ask let me take control when I’m ready, not when you ready for me. Women have sex on emotions and the way you make her feel as a woman, mother and wife. If my husband helped out and not add to my stress by making the kids upset all day long and them coming to me crying, clean up instead of letting the kids destroy the house while he watch tv or his computer all day, then if i leave our constantly calling me with the 5 month old screaming for 30 mins, oh yea and checking the bank account to see how much i spend. Then start an argument with me about it. Not to mention when i try to watch tv for 10 mins i get an oh you lazy and etc mind u i never have time to watch tv or anything 24/7. Ugh so for the ones who got husbands that help out you are lucky but men something is still missing maybe she is depressed. You may help out but it’s a strain on women to sit home with kids all day with no social life. Send her out once a week to clear her head.
Excellent!
The man is the head of his wife. He leads by laying down his life for her. You can’t think in terms of getting what you want, or you are no better than a child. “When I was a child, I thought like a child…” But now that you are a man, do you still think like a child with a woman mother? There’s a lot of them out there. If there was more of the dying to self there would be happier couples.
Sometimes I think wives cannot meet the sexual demands of husbands. Wives easily get fed up with sex and all they want is other forms of intimacy. The amount of energy required to get her into the mood vrs what you get in the end is not worth it. Though not a justification I now know why more husbands cheat. Praying for Gods Grace to remain faithful.
What if the husband works overnight and wants it when he gets home or before he goes into work? What if you never know if it’s going to be the last time you see him?
I agree with Bill “that shit doesn’t work” I’ve tried all of that and I’m the end you get nothing . It all comes from Desire! . If you do not desire it, then no matter what YOU do be it the dishes, vacuum, clean the garage ect. ITS NOT GOONG TO HAPPEN.
Some women are wired that way, they become spoiled and use excuses to hide their true feelings and lack of desire. Note: been married for 18 years with 2 amazing kids. I’ve finally made piece with the fact that my wife is “A sexual “ . Makes dealing with this crap a a lot easier.
Have I cheated on my wife ? HELL YEA! And will keep on doing it , bra cause I am a man and if you can’t get it at home the too bad , we can get it else where .
How do I get more sex, my wife doesn’t even want to caress me she says she will grow into doing it we are together 27 years and she has grown cold recently and I love her to death
Give your head a shake. So He goes out 2 work all day in all weathers. ( Builder) Then comes home and helps with the kids and house keeping. Does he still want sex ? Hell yes he does. What happens he still gets the cold shoulder. We dont understand what kind of day you have had. So we roll over go 2 sleep no moaning and wait for the green light one night. So we just eat build help out sleep repeat. Just saying what excuse do we use ?
Yeah…I do this…and still nothing…what else you got genius?
I have been doing this for 36 years. I do most of the cooking,shopping all of the bill paying and still had to get the house remolded. And after our kids grew up and have life’s if there own….no changes So please don’t put us all in one box
Wife,
This is why your husband is going to cheat on you. Right or wrong … doesn’t matter. Every one of these articles, of which there are many like it, are written by some woman complaining about her life being too hard to show her husband intimacy and passion. You think his life isn’t hard? You think he isn’t tired? Make him a priority in your busy schedule or don’t be surprised when he’s no longer the one showing interest in YOU because he’s getting his needs met from his new girlfriend.
– the Truth
This shows that this woman doesn’t understand how men think, you have it upside down. You show your man love and you don’t have to ask for anything; he will just do more for you and his family because he is emotionally connected to you. Granted he has to be a good man. I really feel sorry for your husband.
I agree, my husband and I have had a lot of ups and downs but we have one huge thing that most don’t have and that’s passion. My husband just helps I don’t have to ask or nag he just helps me no matter what. There is no resentment because we are BOTH pulling our weight around the house and outside the home financially and guess what were both tired a lot. It’s not an excuse and we have three kids. Tired or not people want to feel wanted. I would be devastated if my husband all of a sudden stopped wanting to have sex with me. I truly have the hardest time comprehending the woman’s point of view on this. Sex is the biggest way you can show love and intimacy and is when we feel the closest. We would have called it quits a long time ago if we didn’t have the sexual relationship that we do. The little things don’t seem to matter as much. I feel for you men. It’s got to be a really hard thing to have to live with.
We men have to understand that there is more to raising a family than just being a provider. We also have to understand that we are not what we do for a living. We are first and foremost “DAD and HUSBAND”. It’s something I learned in the U.S. Marine Corps…… “Joint Effort”! Nothing pist me off more than to see Commanding Officers get the accolades for something my Blood soaked hands did in combat. Home life is a Battlefield of a different color. So men, don’t stand there a your children’s graduation and turn to your wife and say “WE” did a great job raising that child if all you did was to through money at the situation. Get off you ass, get your Hands dirty and be a DAD!
I get home after a long day at work. Woke up at 6 am to tend to our youngest child who was a little hoarse. Dressed both our children, fed them, and by 07:30 we were out the house and on our way to school. I arrived at work at 08:00 to prep my day. You started work at 06:00. Granted, you were up an hour early. By the time I got home from work at 18:00, you were in bed since 13:00. I got started on dinner and you went to fetch the children from school. You left our youngest child at home with me while you took our eldest to extra curricular activities. By the time you got home, 21:00, dinner was on the table, kitchen was clean, lunches were packed, yours too as usual, our youngest was fed and I still have the flu. You don’t seem chuffed I went to bed at 22:00…
Husband
Ps.. this is my day to day and ask for sex once a week but that’s still too much.
My wife just may not be into sex regardless. I do all those things and then some. I work full time with an odd schedule and she works part time. I’m the main cook in the home and I keep the kitchen clean. If I’m being honest here I think it’s hormonal for her. She is like a sex camel let me explain. I give it to her good! Sometimes way too good. I think she stores the orgasms up. Also , if it’s not her idea don’t bother.
Honestly while reading these comments I can’t help but question if this is real? I’ve been married almost 22 years & we have sex daily, except one week a month. Even during that week, we get creative. How can a person remain in a marriage in which you are rejected DAILY? On top of used, unappreciated etc. My husband would never stand for that type of treatment & I would never treat him that way … Sorry gentleman… That’s not love…
U r absolutely correct liz. Men should analize the role and the mess handled by their wife everyday. If they do so its sure they will be rewarded under the sheets.
Haahhaahahahah- this article assumes the husband has had no stress himself all day and that he has done zero with the kids. What kind of advice is this for the husband who gives gives gives of himself to do the dishes, put the kids down, tackles the honey do list… and still has to “do” according to you, to be considered by wife for sex. Have you considered maybe your husband doesn’t want to take LAST place in your life?? Yep- kids take energy, but good luck being married 5-10 years after if u forget about the guy that gathered your kids in the first place.
Your post is naive, and could use deeper perspective. Good luck.
So you just assume if a wife isn’t interested much it’s because the husband isn’t pulling his weight? What and ignorant and outdated way of thinking. A lot of men work AND do just as much if not more house work, and still get turned down just as often as a man who doesn’t. I’m not saying men aren’t sometimes part of the issue, but if only he is making the effort it makes no difference how much help he provides. It will not make her do anything different unless she wants to, and some wives don’t think there is a problem from their end even when there is.
Oh, and the fact that in your scenerio you immediatedly go the way of presenting sex as just another household chore for the wife is pretty telling.
I agree with you 100% ! My husband doesn’t need to do any chores, nor do I ask . him to do it, we decided a long time ago ; that once I gave up medicine and stayed home with the kids, I would do it all while he worked.
So with that being said, I’m the one wanting sex and not getting it, I’m getting the ‘I’m so tired excuse nearly every day’!!
When I talk to my girlfriends about this they laugh and say they wish their husbands would say that!!!
Ughhhh!!!
HELP!!!!
My husband is the one whom doesn’t want to have sex! I always initiate it, but i get turned down. Im a stay at home home and he works, when he comes home dinner is ready , there’s nothing he needs to do. I take care of all he chores, we have a teenager.
What’s going on?
Infidelity isnt the issue , this I know. Could it be he isnt attracted to me anymore? I’ve asked him several times and his response is, he’s just tired!! How can he be tired 7 days a week every week, every month???
I would just like to get some advice for the father who works all day comes home and helps with everything mentioned in the article and still has to always be the one that initiates or talks about it in order to maybe get lucky that night.
This article seems like it is only targeted for the stay at home mom and the working father that comes home after a long day of work and is too tired to help out with the kids and only wants a home cooked meal and some sexual attention to go with it?
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That doesn’t help at all. It has nothing to do with being too tired. You see them make time for what they want, their TV shows, etc. You just have to be honest and say it is of critical importance for you and if things don’t improve you should consider just parting ways.
Complete rubbish, choreplay does not work. No woman ever got horny for a man because he cleaned the floors. It’s just an excuse, and when he does step-up with chores around the house, you’ll still say no because he only did it for sex, or some other reason. Be honest, you just don’t find him attractive and sexy anymore, stop stringing him along as you slowly destroy his self-worth and crush his soul.