I sometimes wonder what people really think of marriage and what its true purpose is. Why the institution was ever thought up in the first place. I don’t think most people get it to be honest. I think that they think profound love equals marriage. I don’t agree. Love and marriage certainly coincide; you wouldn’t marry someone you don’t feel as if you love, but being in love with someone shouldn’t be the basis of your choice to marry. What is marriage, really?
Your definition probably depends on who you are, your culture and your beliefs. But, what was the real, true intent when marriage was created. What did that picture look like?
“Being in love is a good thing, but it is not the best thing. There are many things below it, but there are also things above it. You cannot make it the basis of a whole life. It is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling. Now no feeling can be relied on to last in its full intensity, or even to last at all. Knowledge can last, principles can last, habits can last but feelings come and go. And in fact, whatever people say, the state called ‘being in love’ usually does not last. If the old fairy-tale ending ‘They lived happily ever after’ is taken to mean ‘They felt for the next fifty years exactly as they felt the day before they were married,’ then it says what probably never was nor ever would be true, and would be highly undesirable if it were. Who could bear to live in that excitement for even five years? What would become of your work, your appetite, your sleep, your friendships? But, of course, ceasing to be ‘in love’ need not mean ceasing to love. Love in this second sense — love as distinct from ‘being in love’ — is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriages) the grace which both partners ask, and receive, from God. They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other; as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself. They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be ‘in love’ with someone else. ‘Being in love’ first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. it is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it.”
Liz is a just a mom trying to keep it real about how little she sleeps, how often she gets puked on and how much she loves them. You can find her here every day writing about real-mom moments.
I, personally, got married because I loved my husband, but that wasn’t all, if it had been, then I could have married 1 or 2 other men before him. Truth is it was what I thought marriage was about until those other men turned out to be incompatible. It wasn’t until the last one, that I realized, I needed someone who would be a partner in me, who would need me as much as I needed him, who would walk beside me, not in front of me. It was after years of dating my husband that I realized he was the one that I not only loved, but could be an equal with, who was compatible in so many ways. I think this is why him & I have made it through 10 years together – 4 of which we have been married. I think you are right, that most people don’t get what marriage really is, the partnership of 2 people. Its this that makes life better.
I, also, think this is a wonderful topic for today, as my husband & I are celebrating our 4th Anniversary!
Congratulations!
It’s love. It’s partnership. It’s having someone to comfort, to comfort me, to share in my joys and my sorrows. Someone to lift me up when I need it, and help to keep me grounded. My husband is the ying to my yang. To see us you wouldn’t think we ‘fit’ but we do. We compliment each other.
I do disagree with your statement that those feelings don’t last forever, 13 years later & I still get the butterflies and the sparks flying. Sure, those feelings aren’t the only thing that hold a marriage together, but I think they still play a part.