Last summer I wrote an article explaining why there was one Disney Princess movie I wasn’t letting my daughter watch. To me, it was such a small detail in the scope of her life – we’re talking one hour and a half movie, you guys – but people decided to tear me apart as a parent and call me names.
They told me I obviously spend too much time at home, that I must drink a lot, that I’m cynical and crazy.
Celebrities are being bashed on a regular basis for having a date night too soon after having a baby, their kids appearing to be too skinny, feeding their children canned baby food and kissing them on the lips.
We’ve seen the internet lose their minds at parents in mourning over the loss of their child at Disney. Parents who were feeling the most hurt they will ever endure in their lives.
But mom shamers, you have no right.
Not even a little bit of a right, even though you think you do because you have a computer and the internet.
Let me tell you why… It comes down to two pretty basic principals. It’s really very uncomplicated.
1. You don’t even have kids.
Do you know the best way to be a perfect parent? Never have kids. It’s so easy. You can say exactly what you’d do in *that* situation or how you’d *never* do this and *always* do that. But doing it is so different. Living a life of perfection isn’t as easy as you apparently think it is.
If you have not had children of your own don’t think for a second you have any clue what you’re talking about. No amount of life experience, or schooling or interaction with other kids gives you any authority over other peoples parenting.
2. You’re not perfect.
If you have been a parent for longer than a day you’ve probably made a mistake. I know you’ve made a mistake. If you think you’re exempt from looking away for a second and your child slipping away into a gorilla cage, you’re wrong.
If you think you couldn’t have been standing at that lake on that day in that particular spot, you’re wrong.
All of it could happen to any of us.
Or maybe you’ve made a choice that you think is utterly flawless but someone else thinks is rubbish. See, the thing you are probably forgetting is that we’re all human. That we all have different brains and make different decisions.
I love Crocs and you think they’re hideous. I use canned baby food and you think I should make my own.
The difference though, in you hating on my Croc addiction and what I feed my child, is that the comments you make on my parenting hurt. Those harsh words you’re leaving on the internet that say things like, ‘You should have never had kids” burn deep.
Even though we’ve never met you have the ability to damage my soul with your words.
So what is the solution?
Well, it’s easy. I think we all know how simply we can end all of the “mommy wars” that are so completely ridiculous (guys, we have better things to do, don’t we?).
All we have to do, is stop putting our fingers to the keyboard and typing mean words.
It’s a genius plan, isn’t it?
Because I’m not telling you to stop how you’re feeling – you probably can’t help that – but you can control your actions. You can control how you treat people.
It’s like I tell my six-year-old all the time, you have every right to feel angry at your sister for taking your toy – that’s justified – but you’re not allowed to hit her because of it. Do you see what I mean?
Roll your eyes at me as you scroll through your news feed and see me feeding my kid sugar, but keep moving. Don’t stop to input your opinion.
Let’s stop putting so much hate out into the world over parenting our children, there is already so much of it.
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Liz is a just a mom trying to keep it real about how little she sleeps, how often she gets puked on and how much she loves them. You can find her here every day writing about real-mom moments.
Christia Colquitt says
This is awesome. How are we helping anyone by shaming them? We need to lift others up and do life right beside them. Thank you for the encouragement!
Marina says
This blog has the potential to be encouraging to those who shame others on the internet and the sentiment is there, but if you are going to be posting blogs about parenting you do need to be aware of your audience before you post something.
The reason you got so much backlash for your Disney post was because it “shamed” thousands of parents / guardians who love and watch those movies with their families. As a blogger you will get backlash regardless, but you need to be mindful of how others are going to feel when you post something that “attacks” some else’s parenting style. You may not have had that intent, but that is how that post came across to a lot of people.
I did find this post to be a bit nicer and more positive, but adding “you don’t even have kids” is hurtful. A lot of people want to be parents but are child care providers / teachers. They work 40-60 hour weeks with children and see the affect that different parenting styles have on children every day. These same people may not be able to or are not in a position to have kids just yet, but have literally thousands of hours with children of all ages and backgrounds under their care. Even though they may not have the midnight wake up calls or sick days at home with their children, they know a lot more than a first time or even full-time mom. You’re right, no one has the right to judge you’re parenting style, but it shouldn’t be under the pretense that you can’t because you don’t have kids.
I do understand the need to post about parenting since you are a stay at home mom (which there is nothing wrong with that or being a working mom or a working stay at home mom); but really no one does know what they are doing when raising children (even experts with (and without) children disagree on pretty much every aspect of it) and posting a blog that kind of says that isn’t going to stop shaming.
Instead of people ignoring posts like this, maybe we could start encouraging discussions to help educate mothers (or care givers or teachers or anyone who is involved with children in general) who are actively seeking help and guidance? To see different view points and to learn from each other in an encouraging way? Posting a blog with only your opinion on the subject that encourages others to not respond if they don’t “like it” will just lead to more hate and strife. I love the comment before mine from Christia, we need to lift and encourage others, not shame them. period.
This may seem like a “shame” response, but really I’m writing this as an encouragement for you to think more about who you are writing to and how they may feel. Not everyone who reads this is going to be a SAHM and pretty much everyone is going to have an opinion on whatever you post. But maybe next time try to open up a discussion and try to be more open minded about how others are going to see your opinion and how they may feel once reading it.
Michele Sengenberger says
I never tell my sons and daughters in law how to raise their children. Nor would I tell my daughter and son in law the same. However if they ask I will offer general things I have tried or have read about in my child psych classes while studying for nursing degrees. I will start a conversation with a frazzled mom with “they can really get to you sometimes.”