When I got pregnant with my first baby I didn’t have a clue what I was in for. Sure I had read every ounce of literature I could get my hands on, but I had no idea what MY journey would look like. (affiliates included)
I watched The Business of Being Born and read about a bunch of other triumphant women who had given birth naturally and wanted to do the same.
I sat down and wrote out my birth plan carefully, noting all things that I did NOT want happening in the delivery room. No drugs, no monitoring, no interventions…
I had dreamed up this beautifully incredible pain that I wanted to experience.
It was this combination of gorgeous births I’d seen acted out in movies and words I’d read from others and it just seemed so magical. I was scared of the pain but willing to walk through it. Eager, even.
It would hurt, absolutely, but I would conquer the pain, rise above it and do what women are supposed to do: birth babies.
Then one day during an ultrasound every dream I had in my mind was shattered when I saw a tiny butt down baby on the screen.
He was born via an emergency c-section a few months later and my daughter was born the same way.
I never got to experience real contractions or the feeling of pushing. I never got to ride the roller coaster of labor and delivery that ends with a screaming baby being laid on my chest.
The beauty of birthing a baby would be something I’d never experience and it made me sad.
I had to take some time to let myself be sad about it, to grieve the fact that there is something I wanted to do in my life that I will never get the chance to.
But here’s what is important: I delivered those beautiful babies to the world. How I did it doesn’t matter, I still got them here. I still went through pain (a lot of pain) to sacrifice for them. I still rode a very crazy roller coaster, it just wasn’t called Labor & Delivery. It was called The Cesarean Section. The name is irrelevant.
If you had a c-section and it wasn’t what you had hoped for, know this: you are still just as triumphant as the woman who gave birth naturally. You are no less of a mother.
Take a moment to let yourself grieve it and then remind yourself what a rock-star you still are. After all, with everything we can let ourselves feel guilty about, the way we birthed our babies should never be one of them.
Liz is a just a mom trying to keep it real about how little she sleeps, how often she gets puked on and how much she loves them. You can find her here every day writing about real-mom moments.
Stacey says
So true! My first son had a velamentous cord insertion so we knew that it was a c-section by 22 weeks. I hoped for a VBAC with the second but he was presenting some issues so they suggested I do a c-section and then he ended up coming by emergency c-section at 34 weeks. I refuse to feel guilty for this though. It was the best decision for all of us.
Teresa says
Thank you for this!!!! We found out at 20 weeks that our baby boy will have to be delivered via c-section and I have been grieving the loss of my dream birth story the past few weeks. I know it’s best for me and the baby but I’ve been having a hard time letting go of what I wanted. This article was exactly what I needed to read at this point in time. 🙂
Llyn McClure says
I guess I have a totally different perspective … mind you, I did not have a c-section but the historical reality from my perspective is that procedure is a marvel which has saved many a life (mothers and babies).
While not looking to invalidate anyone’s grief at not having a vaginal birth, I would like to propose that – at an earlier date in human history (not so terribly long ago, really) the vast majority of women that would currently have happy and healthy, live births via c-section would be dead. Having strained to their very last to bring their child into the world only to lose in the end and leave the child motherless or, worse, their families bereft of two lives.
Is it not far better to celebrate the fact that mother and child are well and face many long years together than to mourn the loss of a fantasy that lived only in one’s mind? That’s not a disfigurement, it’s a battle scar and, in my humble opinion, any woman who bears one ought to wear it proudly because it is proof that both she and her child faced death and won.
Lindsey says
I too have a different perspective.
There seems to be an emphasis lately on how your children become your children, and this emphasis is wrongly placed because it takes focus away from the purpose of motherhood, which is the children themselves.
I, for instance, have chosen to build our family through adoption from foster care (not due to infertility). I have never given birth, but have certainly had to let go of certain expectations/hopes/dreams along our journey to adoption. It’s simply unfair to discuss this emotional passage from one expectation to a new one using the terminology in this article. It’s unfair to mothers who have ACTUALLY experienced grief and devastation. Mothers whose children have cancer, or whose babies die at birth, or whose babies have chronic illness or debilitating handicaps. Or, in my case, watching my baby detox from drug exposure, or to see them returned “home” only to experience more abuse and neglect and be returned to me a short time later. These things are devastating and worthy of the term grief.
Also, I find it troubling when people say that birthing babies is what women were meant to do. I did not birth any of my children, but I’m still their mommy. Some women don’t ever have children, but they are still valuable and honored women.
Is the most important part of motherhood the way you gave birth? Should this be what we discuss most often? I’d say not.
Carmen says
Well said!
Lisa says
I was fortunate enough to have two full term babies, delivered naturally and reasonably quick labours. Third baby I developed pre eclampsia at 32 weeks and never ever would of thought that my third pregnancy would end the way it did. Delivered baby at 33 weeks via emergency c-section and he spent 4 weeks in the nicu. Hardest month of my life. The hardest part was letting go of not having control and it didn’t get to cuddle my baby skin to skin as soon as he was born. Instead I gave him a kiss and 5 seconds later he was rushed away. I took time to ‘grieve’ as such, because I felt robbed. Robbed that I didn’t have the same experience with my first two babies. I loved pregnancy, the labour, the experience as a whole, it’s not until now I look at my 7 week old healthy baby and thank my lucky stars I have him, safe and sound.
Liz Nieman says
So happy your baby is safe and sound. 🙂 My kids were the opposite in that it wasn’t until my last baby that I finally got to have her quickly after birth. With my first it wasn’t until the following day that I got to hold him. It was an entirely different experience and I’m so happy I got to experience it.
Gemma says
I gave birth to three drug free, the third I had a delayed epidural due to his shoulder dysplasia which caused me to give birth twice to him in theory with an epidural that went into effect five minutes after his arrival. My fourth was a c section for this reason, we were blessed my third had no disabilities because of his birth, so we didn’t want to chance our sweet girls’. I feel I can say this fairly given my experiences:
C-SECTIONS ARE HARD!!! The pain you feel is so much more in recovery. C-section mommas are super mommas. You are stronger than you know! Don’t even get me started on the morphine (24 hrs of not being coherent because of vomiting…)
C-SECTIONS ARE AMAZING!!! My fourth cried on entry to the world. All my children via natural birth were born not breathing, in the sense of extra mucus/ such, those minutes were agonizing during theirs. My c-section baby had the most perfect glorious cry. I finally had that first cry moment everyone talks/dreams of.
C-SECTION MOMMIES ARE NOT TAKING THE EASY ROAD. THEY ARE AMAZING.
Liz Nieman says
Thank you, Gemma. I believe that now, but for a while it made me feel inferior. You’re right, c-sections are definitely not easy!
CYNDI KELLNER says
Amen to that Gemma
Roxie says
LOVE THIS ARTICLE! I’ve seen a lot of post lately concerning c sections and it’s really sad that EVERYTHING is an issue these days. I get everyone has a right to their opinions but what happened to caring about how your words affect others. I read one article that bashed women who had c sections and became so angry and saddened from reading it. It’s easy to say stuff unless you have experienced it. With my 1st pregnancy I had every intention of having a natural birth but at 30 weeks we found out our son had a heart issue and had an emergency csection to try to save him(when it’s life or death you really don’t care how they are delivered) he passed away 3 days later. With our 2nd son I honestly didn’t care how he was born as long as he was healthy (which resulted in a csection for safety purposes). After our 1st son alot of my support was found through blogs and I can just imagine how hurtful this debate would have been if it was trending them. I just think everyone should consider what others have experienced before posting articles (not referring to this article)
Liz Nieman says
That’s sad, no one should ever be bashed for a c-section. Most people who have them don’t have much choice in the matter.
carrie says
Thanks for this article! My first c-section was an emergency c-section 15 years ago! I have a scar running from my belly button down about 6″. I felt like such a failure as a mom for such a long time. I was put out completely and didn’t get to see my son until he was hours old. I saw him first in a poloroid picture one of the nurses had taken and given to my husband. I didn’t get to feed him first- they had already given him a bottle or two. Others were the first to hold him- luckily my husband was able to hold him most of the time and healing from that c-section was crazy painful!!!!
It really took years for me to be okay with this and not feel like such a failure- even after a successful VBAC. I now have 6 beautiful children- 5 of them were born c-section(not my choice really) I still prefer the pain of a VBAC to the healing pain of a c-section. I have an upside down “T” on my tummy, but for 5 of my kids I can proudly show them the scars on my body of where they came out(won’t do that for the VBAC one hehe!) I don’t remember how my stomach looked without the scars and stretch marks. Now my kids can really see how much they mean to me and what I went through for them and that I would do it all again for them!
Liz Nieman says
That sounds awful, Carrie. I remember my first born having bottles first in the Progressive Care Nursery and being bummed that I wasn’t nursing him. Congrats on a successful VBAC!
Carmen says
When I went in to have my daughter I was laid back in the fact that I didn’t have an exact birth plan, just NO edipural and NO c-section. Well after 17hours of full on labor and TWO epidurals and a general aesthetic, my daughter was brought into the world safe and healthy. If I had have tried to continue naturally I would not have my gorgeous cheeky little treasure. If I decide to have another child I will not be taking the risk to have a VBAC. My body apparently wasn’t made for a natural smooth birth. Do I feel like less of a woman? Less of a parent? Heck no! I made the sacrifice of 8 weeks of excruciating recovery for the life of both me and my daughter. I didn’t put my hand up and say “I will take the easy way out”…if I wanted the easy way out I would not have gotten pregnant. The choice of an emergency c-section was made for me by the doctors as I was in no position to be able to make such a decision. The next day I had lawyers and surgeons and midwives asking me if I felt like I had been betrayed or had my rights taken away from me. Why? Because my Doctor had made the decision for me that saved my little girls life? What the heck! And then I was asked if I would like to take legal action against my doctor as the c-section had not been explained to me and I had not given consent! Come on. The taboo needs to be taken off c-sections. It is something that some people just need to have.
As long as you raise your child right and provide for their every need and keep them healthy and loved you are a good parent. How you got your child into the world means nothing. It’s how you raise them that defines you as a parent.
I have no negative feelings about how my daughter was born. I am just glad we got her back and that she is healthy.
Liz Nieman says
So glad she is healthy and that you agree with the choices your doctors made – it sounds like it was the right one.
jess says
C.section or vaginal. We made a human being. That is awesome. Good work ladies.
To lindsay who fostered and adopted. I marvel at the size of your heart, you are a great mum, you love so well.
I think Love is sacrifical, the sacrifice is different for all of us, lets celebrate each others victories and not invalidate anothers pain.
Mum=awesome.
Liz Nieman says
Thanks, Jess. 🙂
Ana says
Wow. I loved this article. My 9 pound baby 42 weeks just didn’t want to leave his amazing “place” I did try…I opened 1cm… 12hrs… He was born c-section but when I looked at his shoulders I just thank God for him. For c- sections….ff… Baby #5 I watched every single video is out there about vaginal deliveries… I wanted to feel just 1 contraction… Water breake, nothing!!! Today I am a happy mom. My scarf shows me there is hope to bring life to this world.. Before women like me used to die… Be serious about this… Loooove my dulla friends… Believe in nature… Yes! But was just not my case.
Nancy says
It is not ones business to define how people should or should not experience grief. It is not in the action or the act (c-section) but in the meaning to the individual that has the biggest impact which is guided by our values and perceptions on life and whether we experience grief or not.
The author of this article was merely giving permission to all women out there having a hard time accepting the medical intervention of a c-section is normal.
To compare this to devastating illness or other tragedies and to make women feel guilty over feeling grief about a c section is trivializing their life experience and further propagating the judgemental and opinionated behaviors of our society that make women feel guilty about having a c section in the first place.
Feel what you need to feel. Grieve what you need to grieve, and then embrace the positivity and beauty around you that you live for without guilt, regret or judgement from others.
Lindsey says
Everyone benefits from a bit of perspective. Keeping your emotions and reactions in check is a healthy behavior as an adult. Having a c-section is certainly a disappointment and an experience that affects you emotionally. However, this article appeared to focus not on the grief a mother experiences after the near-death experience of a child, which is worthy of grief, and often a reason for c-sections, but on grieving the medical procedure. I think words matter. My point is, if you say you “grieve” the death of a child, we need a different word when we describe the feeling one may have after having a c-section. Disappointment? Yes. Sadness? Yes. Grief? No.
At no point did I trivialize the act of having a c-section. Also, in general, women need to stop placing so much of our focus, pride, guilt, etc on what we do/don’t do in an effort to bring these children into the world and more on what we do/don’t do once they’re here.
zephyrs says
I completely relate! I had planned a birthing center, natural experience and ended up with placenta previa, 2 ER visits, 2 weeks hospital bed rest, a c-section and an 8 week NICU stay… phew! I remember grieving for the experiences I missed… baby showers, maternity pictures and the third trimester in general. I know we did what needed to be done but I had to grieve for the loss of my pregnancy. Cried on a couple Drs and in a baby boutique. I don’t think that my grief was selfish or diminished the joy of motherhood or made light of anyone else’s grief. My experience was my own and it wasn’t what I expected and I still have some sadness over it, but I think that makes me human and I refuse to feel guilty about it. And I love the socks off my little man!
Indu says
I’m 28 weeks pregnant and haven’t decided on how to give birth. I’m 40 and have PCOS, and had given up on having kids when I found out that I was pregnant with my little girl. I’m thrilled to bits but for me, I really don’t care how she comes out, as long as she is in my arms safe and healthy. I honestly don’t care what other people think, who is a better mom or why. Let the nit-pickers argue. What’s more important is that my baby comes to this world in the most safe way and that I’ll be healthy enough to take care of her through years to come. So, I would trust my doctor’s opinion on the best way to deliver her when the time comes.
I’d like to tell all mommies out there, what’s more important is that you and your children are healthy and happy, and ALIVE! And hey, thanks to C-section some of us who might may not be capable of natural birth, would be dead trying to give birth, right? I’m sure some of you regret not having that ‘experience’ but there are more important things in life than an experience. And it makes you no less of a mom. Like someone pointed out, how you bring up those little humans into great adults, is what really makes you a good mom than how you birthed them.
Becky says
I agree so much! I was 28 when I had my first baby. She is now 26 🙂 We had gone to Bradley classes, read all we could and planned on a home birth. 28 hours after my water broke (just a trickle) and many contractions, pushing, etc, I ended up in the hospital with a c-section. I grieved not getting to deliver my baby naturally. The nurses all said it was postpartum depression. My friends all said, be happy you have a healthy baby. I was, of course, but I still grieved. It was like a death to me. I can’t explain it. It took a long time to get over. It really wasn’t until our second one was born, also c-section, after hours and hours of trying that I realized I had done everything I could possibly do. I was finally able to just be thankful that my babies and I were alive and healthy.
CYNDI KELLNER says
After 21 hours of an unbelievable painful labor they realized my baby was stuck and looking the wrong way,They said I would have to have a C-section,and after experiencing both,I would choose the C-section in a heartbeat,I believe what ever the mom is feeling during the labor,so is the baby,so all that pain cannot be good for my baby .
May says
Hi Liz, I did cry reading your article because the same happened to me and for years (my son is 2 now), I’ve sabotaged myself, by not taking care of the food I get or the excercises that I simply stopped doing. I felt sad and lost after my c-section but as you said, the important thing is we have our healthy babies with us and this should make us greatful 🙂