You’ve had the baby. Your body is starting to at least resemble what it looked like before the welcome addition. You read all the books. You knew what to expect. But, you know what the books didn’t tell you? The crazy ways the actual job of PARENTING would change your body.
10 Insane Ways Motherhood Changes Your Body
1. Your hands turn into magician’s wands. When it’s 3 days ’til payday you can turn one graham cracker, a handful of Italian bread crumbs and a spoonful of strawberry yogurt that might actually be expired into after school snacks your kids will actually beg you to make at Thanksgiving and Christmas because they love them so much.
2. Your ears are superior to a bat. Sure, school books tell our kids that bats have the best hearing of all land mammals. That’s a total lie. When you became a parent you were endowed with a level of hearing science doesn’t even understand.
You can hear the virtually inaudible sound a bathroom soap dispenser makes from 50 feet away. “Oh, you used soap, huh? Get your behind back in that bathroom!”
3. Your bones become like rubber. You can bend over backward to catch a toddler jumping off the kitchen counter while at the same time twisting your head all the way around like a horror movie demon to see your other kid shoving a Lego up his nose.
3. Your lips turn into the world’s most accurate thermometer. One kiss to the forehead of any human child and you can differentiate between a temp of 100.1 and 100.3 with more accuracy than NASA uses to navigate the Mars Rover.
4. Your heart can convert to a lie detector at will. “It was your sister that colored the dog with eye shadow and markers? Because she says it was you.”
Yeah, at this point you’re just messing with them. You knew who it was as soon as you walked in the room. This explains why the FBI is recruiting for a team of Mothers to interrogate possible terrorists.
5. Your legs can move so fast they are invisible to the naked eye. You could drive to the doctor when your kiddo is sick. But frankly, you’ll get there faster if you just run. Nothing moves faster than a Momma with a baby that feels bad.
6. You develop fly eyes. If your children are in the same room as you, you can view them from all angles at all times. There’s one hiding behind the sofa, one trying to make a run for it out the front door, one hiding the crust from her sandwich in the litter box and one still trying to shove a Lego up his nose.
(Note to self: talk to kid about his ongoing Lego/Nose problem.)
7. Your hair turns into wet cotton candy. Brushing your hair is for childless models and Angelina Jolie, not you. You don’t have time to brush your hair. You can brush your hair for your kid’s graduation party. From college.
8. Your stomach becomes a crystal ball. “Honey, something bad is going to happen!!! How do I know it? Because I FEEL it, you lowly mortal man.”
9. Your bladder grows to the size of a bathtub. Everyone all around you is peeing with wild abandon. The kids. Your husband. They can urinate whenever, wherever they want. Meanwhile, you started to pee when you brought the baby home and you literally haven’t been able to finish that ONE cycle of urination 4 years later.
Every time you try to go to the bathroom someone cries, screams or tells you there is a stranger at the front door. (The kids are pretty annoying, too.)
10. Your body becomes a vessel. It holds more love, dedication and determination than the largest container man can build. Just when you think you are filled up with love, there is room for a little more.
The very moment you believe you are so tired you can’t draw another breath, your devotion kicks in like Adrenalin. And, when at last you lay your head to the pillow each night after standing over their beds watching them breathe, your vessel is filled with profound gratitude that they are in your world.
It’s all worth it, isn’t it?