So, you’ve read all the baby books and you think you’re totally prepared to be a parent. You’re right. You are as prepared as you are going to be, because let’s face it, none of us are really ready. Parenting is not something you can truly understand until you’re there. Follow your instincts and you’ll be just fine.
But in case you are wondering about what happens in between the chapters of those parenting books, here’s a little peek into real life.
Here’s What They Forgot to Put In The Baby Books
1. You will be elbowed or kicked in the boob or balls at least once a day.
2. You’ll also get headbutt a lot.
3. Toddlers hate pajamas.
4. You’re going to learn to button your pants with one hand. (It’s harder than it sounds.)
5. You’ll do a lot of really gross stuff, like smelling another human being’s butt and you won’t even think it’s weird.
6. Toddlers hate high-chairs.
7. You will become keenly aware of exactly what section of the floor squeaks and never walk there when the baby is asleep.
8. You’ll have really strong arms but a really flabby belly.
9. Toddlers hate diaper changes. Apparently, sitting in poop is a better option.
10. Your beloved pet you used to adore will suddenly annoy you in every way possible.
12. The amount time you have to yourself each day is roughly 24 minutes.
13. Toddlers hate when you give them the green cup. Didn’t you know they wanted the blue one??
14. You will feel large amounts of guilt each and every day no matter how hard you try not to. (That’s what happens when you love something so much.)
15. You’re going to waste a lot of money on things your baby doesn’t need. (But that’s OK, we all do it.)
16. Other people’s children crying will yank at your heart strings like you’ve never felt before.
17. You’re going to love kids shows. One time I recorded an episode of Austin & Ally because I didn’t want to miss it.
18. You will never simply sit on the couch alone. There will always be someone on your lap.
19. You’ll never go to the bathroom alone again, either.
20. You don’t just miss out on sleep when your kids are babies, you’ll never sleep normal again. Ever.
21. Sippy cups that say they don’t leak, will usually leak.
22. Toddlers hate when you wipe their face off.
23. Toddlers hate brushing their teeth.
24. Toddlers hate putting on shoes.
25. Toddlers hate most things. But they are totally, incredibly awesome.
Your turn! What did I forget??
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Liz is a just a mom trying to keep it real about how little she sleeps, how often she gets puked on and how much she loves them. You can find her here every day writing about real-mom moments.
AnnMarie Torres says
The terrible two are nothing compared to the 3’s
Erin says
I hate 3 so much. It is from hell.
k says
3s are going ok for me. He actually understands what I mean when I send him to his room
Nell says
If you’re having problems with 2’s and 3’s just wait when you get a 4-year-old.
Cami says
Haha I think 3 is my favorite age. But my oldest is only 8.
Nicholas says
I’m gonna say y’all are soft. Of course you’re going to do gross stuff it’s a human who can’t take care of themselves, express there emotions with words, or understand what the tag at the back means. I can understand being frustrated by getting hit, but you’ve got a life too. Put the kid down and say you can fuss for the 30 seconds it may take me to button my pants and learn to cope. I can’t say I’m having much of a problem with this. It’s all about how you either cope or coddle, and how children learn to manipulate our behaviors. They know how to get what they want if they know we will bend. Stay rooted folks, and it’s ok to bend a little..
Melissa says
Oh come on! It’s meant to be funny! Loosen up! The point is that there’s moments that are frustrating, difficult, challenging but overall very rewarding and you need a sense of humour to get through it. I’m sure you have your own list of things that no one told you when you had kids.
itzybellababy says
Pants with buttons are for amateurs.. lol. Yoga pants FTW!!
http://www.itzybellababy.com/
ashley says
You learn a new language that only you and your toddler understand
Dandychick says
Yes totally agree
Heather says
You will spend $20 on a babysitter to go to a movie to sleep for 2 hours.
ghadir says
hahahahahahahahahaha,,, sooo true!
audra says
You are never right in the eyes of grandparents.
Carrie says
THIS!! Or at least your mother in law. 🙁
Seths Mum says
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted their toast in triangles, NOT squares.
Megan says
If you have boys get use to seeing a lot more of their penis during potty training. Mine hardly wears anything on his bottom while at home.
#2. The whining never stops. I mean never!
Bec says
There will be whole body flops out of frustration, where your toddler becomes a dead weight as soon as you say no.
amy says
toddlers hate getting dressed and they hate getting in the pram or being strapped into anything
Mel says
If mummy asks for something back off the toddler, it becomes a missile in the opposite direction. If he can’t have it no one can!
Kenna says
The first couple times you get poop under your finger nails you’ll gag and scrub your hands twice. After that a wet wipe to get it out and some sanitizer will be sufficient.
Jennifer says
You will get barfed on. When your child barfs in the car even though you know it is not a good idea you try to catch it in your hands.
Kim says
Changing a baby’s diapers after they learn to roll and sit up will literally make you sweat. It’s an olympic event. Seriously.
You will never eat a hot meal again. And while you’re at it, don’t bother serving yourself, because you’ll just end up eating a bunch of leftovers anyway.
You think you’ll be that perfect mom who never lets her kids give her crap? You’ll be surprised with how much you put up with just to stop the incessant whining, crying, etc.
Sleep becomes more important than showering.
You’ve heard of the Terrible Two’s? Just wait for Three.
Susan says
…..twos and threes are nothing compared to TEENAGERS!!!!!! Good Luck!! 😉
Ashley says
So far I’m lucky my 2 loves getting dressed and putting on shoes. When it comes to going places forget it! The screaming ,the whining and constantly being yelled at for stopping at a red light has me getting grey hairs while in my 20s. Oh yeah and the sunroof has to be open at all times even when it’s pouring down rain. ..
Carly says
I have twins. It’s the full restraint I have when people say, “Twins! How fun!” My doctor warned me about these idiots. He told me I would want to break their noses or choke them. I thought he was joking. I’ve had to resort to smiling and walking away before I lose all control of my mouth.
Dena says
A toddler can become stiff as a board when you are trying to put them in a car seat.
Melissa says
You cannot keep a toddler from hurting themselves. They will find a way no matter how much you babyproof.
mari erasmus says
For some bizarre reason you will never be able to sleep(no matter how dead tired you are)when your toddler takes a nap after rough night
Heide says
Never spend too much time trying to look nice. No matter how much you dodge, you will get food/ boogers on your clothes and your makeup will smear and your hair will go bizerk.
Trina says
Hey, how did you forgot this one!!! When you bend over their heads, they will automatically jump straight up!!!!! Within 3 secs and especially if you happen to have your hands full trapping you in the bent position…. Eg. Bending over the top of them to put their undies on, or strap in a shoe. Face smash gauranteed.
Michelle says
Everyday of my life this happens…everyday. And he smashes into my chin so I bite my tongue!!
Kristen says
Every single time you go to the bathroom, every child that is potty trained will need to use the one potty you are on not any of the other two empty ones. Just the one you’re using. They will always always always have to poop when you are walking out the door and first thing walking into the next place. If you have more than one it’s always a fight who gets to be by mom then a fight that their limbs are touching each other when you show them how you can hold both.
Ashley says
That no matter how bad you think babies and toddlers are– it gets worse once they are preteens lol I was always told enjoy it Bc it gets worse, and unthought how can it possibly get worse then this?? Ha ha ha pre-pubescent girls are monsters to deal with!
Alana says
Even though you do laundry ENDLESSLY, your own clothes are never clean. You could change countless times, but it’s futile.
Dandychick says
If they sneak into your bed during the night, you will wake up around 3am with a foot in your side (or face) they love sleeping across the bed.
Haley says
No matter how many times you clean your carpets or mop your floors, your crawling baby’s knees will forever stay filthy and they will ALWAYS find something that you missed with the vacuum cleaner and proceed to eating it (or trying to)
Tami says
All of these things are very true! Just know that YOU WILL SURVIVE! And, once they leave for college, you’ll realize just how much you really miss it and you’ll be able to look back on all those things and laugh.
Kate says
When you finally get a chance to go to the bathroom alone you’ll stay there extra long just for a little peace and quiet…because that is now your only time to yourself.
Sher says
They sometimes stick the handles of umbrellas in their mouths and get them stuck there. 🙂
Tonya says
So it’s 1 am, I am dead tired and wide awake at the same time. Facebook surfing, I land here, and I have to admit I am laughing so hard my tummy hurts. Of course my back does too, from the elbows and knees of the three old jammed against me. Thank you all for the laughs, as I can relate to EVERYTHING! I think I will add to the list, the acrobatic skills you develop, like rolling out of bed horizontally onto your knees so not to wake said three yr old.
Chloe says
The first couple times you get poop under your finger nails you’ll gag and scrub your hands twice. After that a wet wipe to get it out and some sanitizer will be sufficient.
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